Crusher
by etoile4
Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike’s in love with her. When things change, she’s not sure what to do
1. Ch 1

Title: Crusher

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Etoile@soon.com

Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike's in love with her. When things change, she's not sure what to do. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

This chapter has a lot of dialogue taken straight from Crush. That belongs to the writer, David Fury. It goes AU from there. Chapter 1 

"Bloody Hell! Watch where you're bloody walking!"

The drunken frat boy merely sneered and stumbled out of the Bronze.

"Bloody hell," I say much quietly now and dab at my brand new brown leather jacket. At least the drink hadn't stained it. I go to the bar and ask for a beer. I sip on it and look around the club. Xander and his ex-demon girlfriend are doing some sort of a dance. The witches were on the dance floor too. Now where is Buffy? My eyes scan the club again until I see her. She's sitting by a round all by herself, watching her friends, and looking lost in thought. I stand up and take a deep, unnecessary breath. 

*     *     *

"Bleedin' crime, is what it is."

I don't even need to look up to know who was speaking to me. I could be blind, deaf, and dumb and still know when he's coming. It's just like with Angel. I can sense vampires, it's part of the job description. There's like an itching tingle at the back of my neck. But apparently, the longer I know a vamp, the more distinctive the sense. Angel felt, and probably still feels, like a warm sprinkle. I used to love that feeling. Now it just reminds me of what I don't have. Spike's tingle is sharper and it…I don't know how to explain it. It kind of hits my stomach. Which is really weird. So when I feel that tingle that goes to my stomach, I know.

 I look anyway and, as he sits down in the chair beside me, I am shocked. In place of his usual black on black with a spot of red, he's wearing khaki pants, a greenish button-down shirt over a black t-shirt, and a brown leather jacket. I raise an eyebrow as he continues to speak.

"Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixing up this sinkhole. Not my fault insurance doesn't cover act of troll," he says, referring to the incident with Anya's ex-boyfriend.

I am still confused with the conversational tone along with the change of wardrobe, and I reply, "Gee, maybe it's time you found a new place to patronize."

Spike sits back in his seat. "I've half a mind to! Especially since the flowering onion got remodeled off the sodding menu." He leans forward now. "'S the only thing this place had going for it."

I frown. I really can't stand the confusion any longer and have to ask, "What are you doing?"

It's Spike's turn to frown. "What, what do you mean what am…I…"

"Here? At this table?" I felt the need to clarify. "Talking to me. Like we're some kind of talking buddies."

"Well, I saw you…sitting here alone. Thought, I don't know, you could, maybe do with a bit of, uh, you know, company." He looks a little pained as he says this.

Right. I raise my eyebrows at him and he frowns. He gets up in a huff. "Suit yourself!" Good. I focus back on the dance floor. I need to find myself someone to dance with. "Although…" I hear him say as he sits back down. I roll my eyes.

"It's just, we took on that Glory chippie together. I was right there with you, fightin' the fight."

I can't believe he's talking again. Where was this going? "Actually, you were sleeping the sleep of the knocked unconscious." Maybe I shouldn't be answering back. It just seems to encourage him. 

Case in point, he speaks again, "Still, points for intent. You'd think that would be enough to cut me a sliver of slack. Earn a little consideration, respect."

I am about to comment on that statement when Xander's voice sounds, "Hey, uh, Evil Dead, you're in my seat." Anya and Xander were standing behind Spike, patiently waiting.

Spike turned his head to look at them and sighed. "Bugger it," he says and reaches for his beer bottle. He knocks it over accidentally and hurries to grab it. He gets up quickly and heads for the bar. I watch him go in confusion. He was strange, really. I don't know that many vampires personally. Well, only two. But he was by far the stranger of the two. At least Angel didn't show up wearing different clothes and different guise. Wait. Yes he did. But that was different. Angel was different. Spike is just strange.

"Xander, I think you many have hurt his feelings," I hear Anya say and I'm brought out of my thoughts.

Xander, in his newly reacquired seat, says, "And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer." He pauses for a moment and considers his statement. "You know, that's uh, that's actually some pretty good advice."

Willow and Tara come over and sit down. Xander turns his attention to them. "So, who's up for some more liquid refreshements? I'm buying, for I am payday man."

Willow, opening a bottle of aspirin, replies, "I could use a water."

Xander raises a hand dismissively. "Water poses no challenge for payday man, for I have…" He looks, dismayed, at the small tray lying on the table with just a few coins on it. "Hey, where's my change?"

I look at the tray and scowls. I glance over at the bar. Xander follows my line of vision to see Spike buying another beer. "Spike, you diabolical fiend," He says and gets up to confront Spike.

I pay my attention to Tara who is comforting Willow. "Poor Will," she says. "Still getting those headaches?"

"Fewer and further between, but…yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights." Willow answers.

Tara speaks up, "Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells."

Willow shrugged, "Well, it's just we have squat in the way of Glory-fighting arsenal, and…another run-in with her and my headaches and nosebleeds are gonna be the least of our problems."

I, knowing the various most of our problems, speak up. "You know what? This is the first R and R I've had in weeks. How about we go one night without saying the name Glory."

Everyone around the table nods. "I'm down with that." Tara said. "Let's just call 'she who will not be named' another name. Let's just call her-"

"Ben!" I exclaim.

"For example," Tara deadpans.

I getup and the other three girls watched me walk over to Ben. "Ben! Hey!" I say. Ewww. Was that too excited?

"Buffy hi," Ben smiles at me. Nice smile.

I smile back and state, "I barely recognized you without your hospital scrubs." The guy sitting next to Ben gets up and leaves, so I sit down in his place. 

"Oh, you'd be surprised at the extent of my wardrobe," Ben says.

"Really?"

"I actually have entire outfits that aren't blue pajamas."

I laugh. It feels nice to laugh at a lame joke. That wasn't Xander's anyway. I really need to get out more often and find myself a new guy. This new guy doesn't seem half bad so far. He already had been a great help to me. Speaking of which. "Um, my sister…uh, told me what happened at the hospital before I got there."

"Uh, huh." He replies. He looks a little unsure. I wonder why. I'm not gonna accuse him of anything.

I continue, "And, uh, I just wanted to say…thanks." He looks confused at that. "For looking after her?" I elaborate.

Ben sighs and smiles. "That's okay. I'm glad Dawn's all right."

*     *     *

"The point is, I work hard for that money." Xander said.

I roll my eyes. The boy had been harassing me for some time now. "And you're saying I didn't?" I ask.

Xander glared at me. "You stole it."

"And you're making it into very hard work!"

"Listen, bleach boy, I don't have a chip in my head. I can do far more damage to you than you can ever do to me." Xander shifted his body into a more threatening position.

"Yeah?" I retort distractedly. I had stopped listening to the whelp's incessant yapping. I  had noticed Buffy chatting with the poufy intern from the hospital. I start watching them intently. "Like you could ever hurt me." But I know who could. Especially if she ever found out about my feelings. Maybe it wasn't the right time to start making with the declarations of love.

"Are you listening to me?"

I look at the boy, annoyed. I reach into my pocket and pull out some money. "Fine, here. Now shut up." As I walk toward the exit, I hear Xander say something about the amount. I pull out the rest of the cash in my pocket and cursed, "Damn, gave him the 20."

Bugger that. I have to out of here fast. I pass by Buffy on the way out the door. She gave me a weird look and turned back to chat with her new all-American boy. I run my hands through my hair a few times, leaving my once immaculate style thoroughly disarrayed. Just as well, I think as I light up a cigarette and inhale deeply. Part 1 of the make-Buffy-love-me plan was already shot to hell. I hadn't even been there ten minutes. I wonder if I should move on to part 2 or just give up.

My thoughts are interrupted by a loud scream nearby. I run over to the alley behind the Bronze to see a teenage girl struggling with two guys.

"What's wrong with you two? You said we were going for dinner!" She shrieked.

One of them replied, "We weren't lying."

"You're the main course," the blond one finished. Their fangs elongated and ridges appeared on their foreheads.

I throw the remainder of my fag to the ground and laugh. The two idiots stop their little skirmish and see me standing in the shadows. I'm still laughing and they growl. It sounds wimpish to me.

"What do you want pal?" The one with the black hair asked.

"You're next if you just stand there." The second one threatened.

This just made me laugh more. They couldn't be more than 18, if even that. And there they were, doing a scene out of some grade B horror movie.

I smirk at them and say, "Didn't your sire teach you anything? I had a pillock and a psycho as my teachers, but I still learned something."

The girl sees my involvement as a welcome distraction and tries to make her escape. She's got spunk. But she doesn't have much speed because after only a few steps she's knocked down. She whimpers and cowers next to the wall

Now I step into the streetlight. "There will be none of that now. You're dealing with me now kiddies, leave the lady alone."

All of a sudden, they start laughing. I narrow my eyes at them.

The one with the black hair begins to speak, "Our sire taught us something. Rick, didn't he teach us something?"

Rick nods, "Sure did, Nate. He said something about watching out for the slayer and her little pet vampire. I'm guessing that's you. Bleached hair, leather coat, British accent, chip in his head."

I'm really mad now. I growl, "And a massive chip on his shoulder. I'm _nobody's_ pet but he was right about watching out for me." I'm one second from ripping their heads off when they start laughing again.

"Yeah pal, you're real scary," Nate says and suddenly grabs the girl trying to scoot off again. "What I don't understand is why you waste your time helping the fucking slayer. It's not like she needs you. She'd kill you if she had the chance. Now, you hang with us and you'd get to be what you were meant to be. Here." He pushes the girl towards me.

Oh. So this is what peer pressure is. I'll make sure to warn the Niblet about that. Wait, what am I doing? Working up a lesson for the slayer's sister while these punks are offering my first meal in a long time? I really am a pet vampire. Sod that.

I smell the blood and fear in the girl and automatically go into game face. I look at the girl in my arms. She's looking at me with so much terror in her eyes. A second ago, she was looking at me like I was the bloody Messiah. I pause as I struggle with which look I liked best. The demon in me loves the fear obviously. But there's this little part in me, that shouldn't even be there, that enjoyed being her savior. And that part apparently has a louder voice than the demon because I let go of the girl and tell her to run. She does.

"Oh, you really are a pansy," Nate, or Rick, says. I don't really know but I smirk at the one that opened his big mouth first.

"Do you know a pansy that can do this?" I ask, grab his friend, and twist off his neck. His shocked face is clear as he turns into dust. 

Ah. That's what I wanted to see. Fear. The other vampire starts backing up but I catch him before he has a chance to escape. "You wanna reassess your opinion of me, mate?" He nods. "Too bad," I say and he meets the same fate.

Well. At least I got a good ending to a bad night. I turn around at the sound of clapping and I'm shocked to see the slayer.

*     *     *

I don't know why I stood in the shadows and watched Spike. Wait. Yes I do.

When he walked by me back at the Bronze, there was just this strange look on his face. He looked sad or something close to it. I excused myself from Ben and go after him. I've seen Spike sad before and it's not pretty. He causes trouble. Technically, it's not any different than if he was angry, or upset, or happy, or… Okay, Spike causes trouble, period. And I have been chosen to stop it.

I couldn't find him until I heard some scuffling in the alley. I went there to see two vamps, and a girl, and Spike. I figured he'd take care of it until I heard their offer and saw Spike vamp out. This was the point where I should have joined the fray. But I stopped myself. I've always wanted to know how far this semi-partnership with Spike would go. If he went along with them, I could stake him without reservation. If he didn't then, I don't know. It makes him a little more reliable, that's for sure.

I held my breath and slowly let it out as he tells the girl to run. I watch as he dusts the vampires and finally I clap for him. Kind of reminiscent of our first meeting, I know. He turns around with this stunned and I smirk. Nice to know I can still throw him off balance.

"What are you doing here?" He asks.

"My job, but since you got that so nicely wrapped up…" I say to him. 

He just nods. Now I know something's wrong. He's not even going to brag? 

I try again, "Maybe you should just take over my patrols from now on. Gives me more time to go out." 

He looks up sharply at that, but then just nods again.

I don't even know why I'm asking this, but I can't seem to stop myself, "What's wrong Spike?" It sounds too nice. I add some sarcasm, "You're not your usual charming self."

I watch as emotions flicker in his eyes. Hope, anger, confusion, and finally resignation. Then he does something weird. He sighs. It's one of those sighs that foretell impending brooding. I got used to those with Angel. Which is why it's weird. The only thing Angel and Spike have in common is the fact they're in the same family of vampires.

"I might as well start leading a group of boy scouts," He finally says.

Color me confused. This wasn't the poignant sentence I was expecting. "Huh?"

He gets agitated and starts pacing in front of me. He stops suddenly and looks at me. "How long were you there?" He asks.

"Um, a while?" I say, not really sure where this is going.

"Did you see that? Did you see me?" He sounds disgusted. But I'm not sure why.

"You kicked their asses, if that's what you mean. Well, technically, you ripped their heads off. But it got the…"

"Not that part," He interrupts my ramble. "They gave me the chance of having the first warm meal in bloody forever. All I had to do was say the fucking word and she would have been dead and I would have…" He sighed again. "I let her go. I let a meal go…I am a pansy."

Oh. I can see, on the level as a vampire, how he can sound so distraught about that. And as a vampire slayer with a potentially trustworthy vampire helper, I've got to make him see it's not bad.

"Spike, look at me," I say. He complies, reluctantly. "I don't know how to help you out with what you're feeling. The only one who could would be Angel." He scoffs at that but I continue, "I'm really…grateful that you made the choice you made. And…I really don't know what to say. I mean, is it so bad to choose not to kill?"

"I'm a vampire, pet. I should kill. If I don't, there's something wrong with me."

"I've always known there was something wrong with you." He gives me a look. Fine, not the time for jokes.

"I shouldn't be doing this. It's fundamentally against my nature."

I nod. "But it doesn't mean I'm not glad about it. Cause if all vampires were more like that, I wouldn't need to slay. Of course I'd probably be annoyed all the time, but you know, sacrifices."

He looks a little less constipated now, so I figure he's getting what I'm saying. Who would have thought it would come to this between him and me? Just a year ago, he was trying to kill us all. Not that he could, but he tried his dandiest. Now we're having a discussion on his changing nature. And me! I actually believe he can change his nature. I can't believe I believe that.

He's running his hands through his hair now, still in thought. Hmmm. He really shouldn't put gel in it if he wants to do that. And he makes fun of Angel hair so much. His is like a helmet. He'd waste less money if he stopped using gel. Which is a really stupid thought since he probably just steals it. But…it looks softer now and kind of curly, who knew? I wonder just how soft it is…Ahhh! Crazy thoughts! Get out!

Spike looks at me funny now. And I guess I would too since I'm turning red and shaking my head vigorously. "Um…there was a fly," I lie, still blushing.

"Right," he says dubiously. He shuffles his feet a little. "Ah, I'm going to go kill something, do your patrol."

"Sure," I say. I really need to not be here anymore. We both turn away from each other, when I remember something. "Oh, hey Spike? Dawn says she needed some of your first hand knowledge on her history project. She'll be home after four."

He nods and I turn back towards the Bronze. As he walks off, I hear him muttering to himself, "Used to eat little kids, now I'm helping them with their homework. Used to kill slayers, now I'm falling in love with them. What next?"

I think the world just stopped spinning.

*     *     *


	2. Ch 2

Title: Crusher

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Etoile@soon.com

Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike's in love with her. When things change, she's not sure what to do. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

Sorry for the delay. There were lots of tests this week. Thanks to the people that reviewed. It was very much appreciated. On with the story…(italics indicate the past. It's a little weird on here but once it starts talking in third person, there it is.) Chapter 2 

Spike is in love with me. I'm in a daze the rest of the night. I was just going through the motions of talking, dancing, and drinking. I barely knew what I was doing. The only thing going through my mind was the accidental confession Spike made earlier. He didn't even know I heard. I honestly cannot believe this. He hates me. Or he's supposed to. He's definitely taking this change of nature thing too far.

I said goodbye to everyone a few minutes ago and now I'm walking home. I'm almost tempted to go patrol. But I know I'm just trying to run into him. Not that I'm interested back or anything. I just want to see if there's a difference between Trying-to-kill-me Spike and In-love-with-me Spike. I shudder. It's just really creepy. Spike's in love with me?

I'm still dazed by the time I get home. Dawn is in the living room, watching TV. She jumps when she hears me come in and turns it off.

"Hey Buffy, I was just…" She starts.

"Save it," I interrupt. "Just go to sleep. I don't have time to do this."

"Geez, what bit your butt?" She mutters and huffily walked up the stairs.

I finish turning off all the lights and go into my own room. I nervously look around as I change my clothes. It might be a little paranoid but who knows? Spike could be a stalker.

As I lay in bed, I feel like I'm in high school again, and the weird kid just asked you to the prom. Okay what to say? "Spike, I like you but I don't like like you." No, more like, "Spike, I'm sure you have some nice qualities, but I just don't see them." Or even better, "Spike, I'm going to need you to leave town."

And it's not like he can't find a nice vampire to love. Hell, it's not like he can't find a human who'd take him. He's an attractive gu...vampire. He's got that whole swaggering I'm a rebel in leather that could kick your ass thing going on. Those kinds of people are supposed to look all rugged and stuff. I've read romance novels. But Spike? He's pretty. I'm sure he would rather not hear that, but it's true. High cheekbones, bright blue eyes, soft lips...and I think someone should kill me now.

But hey, I can't help it. Just because I'm the slayer doesn't mean I can't appreciate hotness in evil beings. I'm married to my slayerness. I can look, but I just can't touch. Which is what I should have done with Angel. Then all the madness wouldn't have happened. Which is why I should end this before it even starts.

God, this is so stupid! He doesn't even know that I know. Why am I getting this worked up over it? I mean, nothing's really changed. At least, not from his viewpoint. If I just pretend that I heard nothing, we can go on as...allies?

I can do this.

I can pretend. 

*     *     *

Oh my bloody evilness, my head's never pounded this hard before! I must have been drinking again. But I don't remember drinking after I left the Bronze. Which is why I've obviously been drinking, idiot.

Having an argument with myself. I wonder if I look crazy.

My bones ache as I try to sit myself up on the sarcophagus. Now I must really look crazy because I realize my eyes are still closed. I give up and slump back down. Now, I focus on opening my eyes. Now, I give up. They hurt more than my body does.

Maybe this is one of those times when you lay back, relax, and wait for the pain to stop. Maybe even reflect on things. Like what you bloody well did last night!

A fresh breeze blows by as I'm trying to recall last night's events. Must have left the door opened as I stumbled in. I hope this thing passes before the sun comes up, cause that won't be pleasant.

Okay. Last night. Robbed J.Crew of some shirts and pants. Went to the Bronze. Began Plan 1. Buggered Plan 1. Let a meal go. Talked to the slayer. Patrolled. What happened during patrol?

I remember a few vamps, two Ihutsh demons, a few Initiative type fellows, a Fyarl demon that still owes me money, a… Wait. Initiative type fellows? What the hell?

Now it starts to come back.

_*     *     *_

Spike walked across Wake Cemetery. It was a shame really. When you took a shortcut through a cemetery to get to the cemetery you're currently walking across as a shortcut to the cemetery you live in, there are too many cemeteries. Spike wasn't worried about that. It provided a lot of choices when trying to select a home. But it was a waste of space considering that half of the bodies were dust anyway. There was nothing in the casket. Families should buy one of those memorial walls or something. Then they could build something useful on the free land. Like one of those all wing places. They were skimping on the sauce at the Bronze.

_Spike's ears pricked up at the sound of rustling in some near bushes. He stopped. "You bloody Fyarl. Are you all this stupid? I said that I didn't want to see you unless you had my money. Or I'll rip your arms off and beat you to death with them."_

_"I believe you're the stupid one here," a British voice sounded from his right. Spike turned sharply to see a man dressed in a suit, holding a clipboard and a pen. He continued condescendingly, "If you beat him to death, how will you get your money?"_

_Spike's eyes narrowed and he smirked. "Fyarl parts are very expensive. I'd get my money. Oh and, who the hell are you mate?"_

_The man sneered. "We're just curious people."_

_"We?" Spike frowned. Something strange was going on._

_"Yes. We," another voice sounded off. Two men stepped out of the bushes. One was in all black carrying some kind of futuristic Star wars gun. The one who spoke, holding a clipboard as well, looked a little familiar._

_It clicked. "Wait. Aren't you that bloke from…"_

_"The Initiative. That's right."_

_Spike glared at them, trying not to let his apprehension show. These people could do anything to him and they knew it, too. Maybe he could distract them from whatever they came to do. "I thought you guys were gone. I was there you know. I saw it. There was nothing left of it. And…"_

_The familiar looking man interrupted again. "We don't really have time from your loud mouth. Johnson," he ordered._

_Okay. Distraction didn't work. Time for Plan B: Run! Spike turned around and began to sprint. But even his vamp speed was no match for the ray of electricity that flashed through his body a moment after. He tripped and fell to his face next to the pathway. The three men rushed over to him and turned him over._

_The man with the clipboard sneered again. "Interesting. William the Bloody running from a conflict. Never thought I'd see the day."_

_Spike clenched his teeth as he stared up at his assailants. "Well what do we have here? Tweed suit, glasses, stuffy British accent. You must be a watcher. Are they paying you so bad, you had to join the Initiative?"_

_"Ah. The ever-present sarcastic wit of "Spike". Funny how it does no good with you on your back. It certainly seems…"_

_"Stop. You're here for one thing Wallace, and that's to record data. Stop yammering." The Initiative man said._

_"I was just trying to…"_

_The man interrupted again, pointing to a sheet of paper on the clipboard. "Graham Miller. That's who the point is. Stay out of this and do your little calculations."_

_ Wallace's eyes glinted as he curtly said, "Yes sir."_

_Spike smiled. "Awww. Am I causing strife in this tight knit group?"_

_Graham, as Spike faintly recalled Soldier boy Finn mentioning, turned on him with cold eyes. "Wallace was right. You do talk a lot for someone stuck on his back."_

_Spike growled and tried to move. He didn't like not being able to rip these bastards to pieces. What had they done to him?_

_Graham turned to the gunman. "Johnson. Get ready," he said._

_"For what?" Spike asked. "Don't I have a bloody say so in this? I, for one, think what you've done is plenty."_

_"No, Hostile 17, you don't." Graham was gleeful. "Man, I wish Riley could be here to see this."_

_"Soldier boy isn't a soldier boy anymore? Shame."_

_Graham merely curled his lip. "We've been developing a new weapon for hostiles, mainly of the vampire variety. You've been fingered to help test it out."_

_"Hell no!" Spike resumed trying to break loose of whatever technological spell they had him under. He was getting scared. It wasn't an easy thing to admit, but it was true. Humans, crazy ones on an ego trip who knew his weakness, scared him. "I'm not gonna be part of anymore of your bloody experiments._

_"I don't think I gave you a choice. Johnson, target."_

Johnson aimed the gun directly at Spike's heart. It was impossible for Spike to even do anything as a blast of electricity shot towards him. "Aaarrrrggghhh!" He roared and vamped out. It felt like molten lava was running through his body. It wouldn't stop. Lights began to flicker before his eyes as his consciousness began to fade. He faintly heard them talking, 

_Not exhibiting symptoms…_

_Reverting to an actual corpse…_

_Back to the drawing board… _

Before the world went black.

_*     *     *_

I shoot up in a flash and open my eyes. A searing pain went through them. I look around as best as possible.

"What the hell?"


	3. Ch 3

Title: Crusher

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Etoile@soon.com

Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike's in love with her. When things change, she's not sure what to do. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

Thanks again for the reviews! This should be up weekly at the least.

Chapter 3 

I look around again just in case I hallucinated this entire thing.

Nope.

Everything is still here. The sarcophagus I thought I was laying on was actually pavement in the cemetery. And the breeze I thought was from outside was from outside because I'm bloody outside.

In the sodding sun!

Where are the flames? The nancy boy flailing of the arms to find shelter?

I take a deep breath before attempting to sit up again. And I stop. Air just rushed into my lungs. I start to cough and hyperventilate.

The thing about being a vampire is that you have to fake life. I mean, that's obvious since we're dead and all. I may do the whole inhaling and exhaling bit, but I'm just doing it out of habit really. Even when I smoke, there's no effect. Breathing was one of the most disorienting things when I became a vamp. I actually had a panic attack like I used to as a kid because I couldn't feel anything going into my lungs. I thought I was going to die, not knowing I was already dead. It took some time to get used to it.

But this, this is completely different. The complete opposite. Now I'm having a panic attack because I can breathe properly. I can feel my heart pounding harshly as I try to get in more air.

What is it they do on the tele? I don't have a paper bag handy… And isn't that for throwing up anyway? Bloody hell. I roll over instead. I try to get on my knees but only end up in a fetal position. My breath is still coming out in shallow spurts and I can tell I'm in danger of passing out. 

Now how's that for the Big Bad?

I'm trying bloody hard to calm down but nothing's working. I realize how low I've gone when I try imagining Mr. Rogers singing about being a neighbor. I close my eyes and suddenly I see my mother's face before me. Where did that come from?

It does the trick though as I begin to breathe more slowly and evenly.

I haven't thought of my mum in forever. Sometimes, when I'm having cocoa with the slayer's mom, I get in danger of remembering but I quell the urge. I always regretted turning her in the height of her sickness. The demon face she wore…those awful things she said… They weren't like her. They weren't what I liked remembering. I used to have nightmares about it.

But that wasn't what my mind conjured up this time about. I used to be a sickly child. But then again, it was the Victorian Era, we all were. Only one of my 5 sisters made it to adulthood. Even my older and more strapping brother died before he was 18. Anyway, my mum used to hold me in her lap and sing to me whenever I had my attacks. And I guess it still works.

I miss her, I think and my eyes tear up.

Damn it! I push the tears back. I push up on my knees and try to stand up. My legs are much too weak so I decide to crawl to my crypt. No one's around so I'm sure there's no chance to be embarrassed as long as I make it quick. But the tears stop here, that's for certain. I'm not going to turn into some bleeding wuss over a few thoughts about my mum. I'm gonna go do something manly…and evil vampirey…

That stops me. Am I even a vampire anymore? I don't know what those sods did to me. Obviously all that electricity was enough to get my parts started again. I think hard and feel my features shift.

That's odd.

*     *     *

I groan when I feel a depression in the right side of my bed. I didn't really get that much sleep last night after all the obsessing I did over Spike's secret feelings for me. Even after I finally fell asleep, I kept having these dreams… A voice starts calling me. I grab a pillow and throw it in the voice's direction. It squeals and starts jumping up and down.

I turn around and squint at the demon. "Dawn, I thought you just turned 14. Because I don't see it." She keeps jumping and I have a strong desire to kick her off the bed. "Dawn, what do you want?" I grunt extremely patiently.

She finally stops and jumps off the bed. I notice she's fully dressed and grinning brightly. Wow, looking at her like this, you'd hardly believe that a couple weeks ago she was cutting herself up because she found out she was the key. I glance at the clock. 6 a.m. Huh. I check again. 6 a.m. This can't be right. As I'm checking again, Dawn speaks up, "Yeah, it's six in the morning."

"I see. So why am I getting up?" I ask.

"Mom's sleeping and she's been really tired lately and I have a field trip this morning and we have to get to school early but it's still dark and knowing me, I'd probably get kidnapped right in front of the driveway so you need to take me."

I gape at my sister. I've heard breathing was important when you're talking but apparently scientists don't know anything. I nod at her and ask, "When do you have to be at school?"

"By 6:30. They said we're leaving at 6:45 on the dot."

"Whatever happened to field trips in the middle of the day?" I mutter as I shuffle over to the bathroom. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Be quick!" she says and bounds out of my room.

Be quick. Ha. I am the queen of quickness, I think as I hurriedly brush my teeth. I was actually fully awake once she mentioned the fact that mom's been really tired lately. I feel so ashamed. I was so busy obsessing and worrying over something so silly and inconsequential, while I have a more serious problem at home. Mom was tired and I didn't even notice. What kind of daughter am I? Not the good kind.

I slump in front of the mirror to wash my face. I have too many problems this year. The past years, stuff mostly happened to me. Now I've got my mom still getting sick even after the surgery. A hell god is hunting my sister. And I've still got to slay. I straighten and pull my hair into a ponytail. But I've got to do this. I have to be strong. Because if I'm not, who will?

I quickly exchange my shorts and tank top for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I run downstairs and yell for Dawn. She's standing by the door with her backpack on. "Hey, got everything?" I ask.

"Yeah, but it's like 6:10. We'll never make it on time. You can, I know. But I can't run fast." She says.

I shrug, "It's okay. I'll drive."

Her eyes bug out in what would be a funny expression if I weren't so offended. "It's alright. A little exercise never hurt anyone, right?"

"What are you talking about? It'll take at least 20 minutes to walk/jog. But if we drive, 5 minutes." I estimate.  "I wasn't good at math, but this one seems easy."

"But," she says. "You can't drive. You'll kill us."

"Hey! You know what? We're wasting precious time arguing about this." I pick up the set of keys hanging up next to the door. "Take it or leave it."

Dawn gives up. "Fine, I'll take it. But if you kill us, I'm telling mom."

I roll my eyes and follow her outside.

15 minutes later, we're still in good shape as I squeal into the school parking lot. I mean, we're not dead or anything. I look over at Dawn. She clutching her seat so tightly, her knuckles are white. "We're here!" I say cheerfully.

She turns to me slowly, "Never. Drive. Me. Again." I shrug as she gets out of the car seat. I thought it was a particularly good ride. "And, um, tell Spike to come over at six."

I nod. I hope I'm gone by then. But crap, I have to tell him first. "Wait," I say. "When are you getting back home?"

Her ears start turning pink as she mumbles, "Regular time."

"But that's four. What are you doing between that time?"

Her face starts showing the blush now. Oh, this has to be good. But before I can dig deeper, a friend calls her over. I sigh and wave her off. I'll find out soon enough.

I guess I should go find Spike now. At least I don't have to go searching for him. It's light out so to the crypt it is. I start the engine and press the gas. Oops! I screech the tires while some kids jump out of the way. I yell out sorry and I swear I can hear Dawnie groan.

I speed towards the cemetery, lost in thought. What am I supposed to say to him? I was gonna pretend but…I don't know. What if he becomes a problem? Sure, right now he's an asset. But what if he lets his feelings of "love" get in the way of…stuff. I don't need that while I'm dealing with all the crap I'm dealing with now. Glory, the Hellmouth, my mom. Things that I can't take my attention from right now. Geez, no wonder Riley left. I really never paid him much attention. He was like my trophy of normality I put on a shelf and took down every so often to dust and look at. Hmm, that was kinda deep. But honestly, everything was always more important. At least when I dated Angel, he was one of those important things in my life.

Now life is complicated again. I don't really have the time or energy to spend on another doomed relationship. Um…not that I'm saying Spike's a candidate for a doomed relationship with me. I'm not even thinking about him now. Right. I'm not.

I arrive at Spike's cemetery and cut off the engine. I get out and start walking toward his crypt. What's nice about this cemetery is that I barely ever have to patrol in it anymore. Spike keeps it up nicely.

As I near Spike's home, I see a huddled black figure on the ground moving closer and closer to the crypt. Great. It's not even seven yet and I'm already saving his ass. I march over, ready to stop the intruder.

*     *     *

Wow. If this is what a baby's life is like, I'm glad I have no memory of the time. Crawling isn't fun when everything hurts. And I jabbed my knees on so many rocks, slipped on so much mud, and stumbled over so many potholes, that this day couldn't get any worse.

Suddenly, I'm being grabbed and tossed against the outside of my crypt. I squint up at my assailant.

"Spike?"

It just got worse.


	4. Ch 4

Title: Crusher

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Etoile@soon.com

Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike's in love with her. When things change, she's not sure what to do. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

Wow! Sorry for the long ass wait! Lots of midterms and papers and juk, so real life takes precedent. But here's the next chapter…

Chapter 4 

"Spike?" I leap into action and quickly push him into his crypt. "What the hell's wrong with you? You could have died out there!" This is clearly the wrong thing to say as I see his lips curl up into a smirk.

"Didn't know you cared Slayer," he says mockingly. He pulls himself out of my grasp and starts to saunter over to the sarcophagus. It would have been very cool and nonchalant, as I'm sure he was going for, if it weren't for the fact that he fell after two steps.

I pick him up from the ground for the second time today. I help him over to the couch where he sits back and sighs. It wasn't until then that I notice that his clothes are filthy, like he'd been rolling in dirt. Just how long was he out there? And how did he manage not to get himself dusted? His eyes are closed and he's breathing really hard. "Spike," I say. He opens his eyes and nods his head in acknowledgment. "What's wrong with you?"

His bright blue eyes fix on mine and a jolt goes through me. I don't even know what happened to him but I can tell it's pretty bad. I don't even know how I got so good at reading him, but the look in his eyes tells me everything he's feeling. Which looks to me like really scared, anxious, and angry.

He holds up one finger and struggles to catch his breath. Okay, this is weird. First of all, Spike doesn't breathe. I mean, he does but he doesn't need to. So there should be no need to catch his breath. And then, all he was doing was crawling. I did more work in moving him. So, even if he needed to breathe, he wouldn't need to breath hard unless he was like 500 pounds. This picture is very wrong. I run my gaze over him again. He looks the same. Other than the odd breathing and the pounding temples, he's the same vampire I saw yesterday. Wait. Pounding temples?

His breathing calms and he speaks, "I don't think I'm gonna get used to this breathing thing."

"Breathing thing," I repeat blankly. "Did you know your temples are pounding?" I ask.

If possible, he slouches even more into the couch. "Yeah, probably a side effect of the heart beat," he replies.

I'm speechless. Heart beat? Breathing? I'm sure I would have noticed that yesterday. Earlier, in the sun, I guess this is why he didn't burst into flames. But how? When? What?

I'm confused and it must show on my face because he starts talking again. "You know, I hate the bloody Initiative. All they ever do is mess with my perfectly fine unlife." He pauses. "Well, it was an unlife."

I shake my head. "The Initiative? They did this? But they're gone," I say. This makes no sense. Why would they still be around? And why would they make his heart start working again? And how did they do that? They have some great technology. Maybe they should stop wasting it on "hostiles" start helping humans instead. I can kill demons fine by myself.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too. But they're still alive and kicking me."

"Was it," I begin and Spike shakes his head. I roll my eyes. "You don't even know what I was about to say."

"No, I didn't see soldier boy anywhere. But his friend was there," Spike saysl. "Wasn't that what you wanted to know?"

"No," I lie and change the subject, "So they did what exactly?"

He places a palm on his heart. "They had a gun. An electric gun of some sort. And they shot at my heart. I don't know what happened after that since I was knocked out. It hurt like a bugger." He began rubbing his chest. "It was like fire running through me. I woke up and it was morning and I wasn't dust. Then the breathing and stuff," he finishes.

"Then the breathing and stuff," I repeat.

"Yeah."

I start pacing. So I got the who, what, where, and when, but not the why. What was the point of starting Spike's heart? Is it another rehabilitation program? I know they put the chip in his head to stop him from attacking humans. Starting his heart doesn't seem to be rehabilitating him very well. Looks like it's just making him cranky. Then again, the chip did that too. I sigh. The Initiative really needs to think out their little plans before they do it. Call it common courtesy. Then I wouldn't be stuck with all their mistakes.

I remember something else from earlier and ask Spike, "Why were you crawling home?"

"Oh yeah, that," he says and almost seems to turn red. Wait a second. He is turning red! I really wish I had a camera for this very special occasion. "I, um, couldn't walk. Couldn't stand up actually. I just feel bloody weak is all. Probably a side effect of the attack."

"How weak?" I ask, still smirking at his embarrassment.

"My legs aren't working real well. They don't hold me up for long."

I look at him and make a decision, "Come on, you're coming home with me."

Spike's head snaps up. "What? Why? I'm fine here," he says, a little offended.

"No, you're not. You can barely stand up by yourself. You just said," I point out and he glares at me. I continue, "and Dawn wants you over anyway to help her with her homework."

"So I'll come over later," he says.

 "Right. If you can walk." I can tell he's about to argue again so I quickly say, "this is the best solution Spike. This way, if you still need help, I don't need to come all the back here to pick you up. And the Initiative people are still around. They could come for you anytime."

Spike's glare hasn't softened one bit. "What do you care Slayer?" he asks resentfully.

"I don't," I answer a little too quickly, "I just dislike you less than the Initiative."

Now he smirks. "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

Lovely. Now he's happy and I'm mad. "Are you coming or not?" I snap.

He shrugs.

"Good," I say and start helping him up. "Eeeww!" I say as touch some kind of slime on his jacket, "you're so gonna need a shower."

*     *     *

Great, I think as I look at the clothes on the bed in distaste. Now I'm some bloody charity case for the slayer. 

I just finished my mandatory shower. And her bloody smell was all over the place. It brought about a fit of dizziness to walk into her bathroom and be hit with 'Eau de Buffy'. I made a mental addition to the list of things that were still vampire-like because I'm sure that aromas were not this intense when I was a human. Unless it's a testament to the 21st century. Or just to Buffy.

Even worse, I had to use her stuff. All the scents I had associated with her (the strawberry shampoo, the vanilla lotion, flowery aroma of her shaving cream) are now all over me. I even had to use her girlie deodorant. I couldn't very well stink all day. I might have glands! 

I dry myself off with a pink towel and look at the outfit again. The slayer already took my clothes to the washer. They were dirty anyway, so it's not like I can wear it. But there's no way I'm wearing what she's put down for me. I don't even know whose it is. I'm hoping it was her dad's because I'm not wearing anything that was the whelp's, soldier boy, or the great brooding Angel. But it's not like I have any choice here so I put on the gray sweat pants and the white t-shirt.

Oh bloody hell! I have to look like an idiot in this. The shirt is almost down to my knees. I tighten the sweats. Don't want anyone to get a surprise if they fall down. I'm not an avid underwear wearer. I'd traumatize the Niblet. Hmm…But maybe Buffy could stand for a little surprise. I shake my head. Not unless I want a stake to the heart. But the slayer can't get off her high horse and stake a human being, can she? I'm still musing over what I may be able to get away with now when there's a knock on the door.

"Spike? Are you done in there?" The slayer's voice asks.

Before I can answer, she walks in. "I could have been naked!" I say.

"Whatever," She says and rolls her eyes.

Maybe I shouldn't have tightened the sweats after all.

She looks me up and down and starts shaking with suppressed laughter.

My eyes narrow and I growl, "What?"

A snort escapes and she starts laughing out loud. "Nothing," she says. "Nothing… Eminem."

I look down at myself and see what she's talking about. The sweatpants and the t-shirt are baggy as hell on me. And my bleached hair is still wet and plastered to my forehead. I quickly rub my hands through it and succeed in spiking it up. "Shut up!" I say to her as she laughs even louder. "It's not my fault that these clothes belong to some unnaturally large person."

Her laughter dies down. "Riley was not unnaturally large!" she says.

I groan. No wonder I look like an idiot. I say that out loud and a fist shoots out towards me. I reach up and stop it before it can hit me in the nose. At least I still got vamp reflexes. I can see she's confused. I answer before she can even ask the question, "Yeah, I still got some vampire stuff in me. Reflexes, smell, even the face." I quickly vamp out and change back. "And I don't know why either."

She looks disappointed and takes her fist out of my hand.

"Hey!" I say, "You were gonna hit a defenseless human! Isn't that against your slayer code or something."

She shrugged. "You're not human. You just proved it."

"Yeah, but you didn't know that 'til now. You were just gonna hit me and let me die!"

She rolled her eyes, getting annoyed. "Like you'd die from one hit."

"You're the slayer. You could have burst a blood vessel in my brain. I'd be dead in minutes." I say, on a roll now.

"Shut up, Spike. I don't have time to argue with you. I called Giles. We're all going to meet at the Magic Box tonight and figure out what's wrong with you." She paused. "And Riley is not an idiot."

What? I'm a little confused at that last sentence. What did that have to do with anything? And she's wrong. I open my big mouth, "Wasn't he the one getting bitten by vampires? Seems bloody idiotic to me. Why are you even defending him? He left you. Seems he doesn't need you coming to his rescue anymore."

This time I can't stop the fist that smashed into my nose. My head snaps back and my hands reach up to stop the blood flow. Buffy stomps out, slamming the door. Well, I think, I still got it.

*     *     *


	5. Ch 5

Title: Crusher

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Etoile@soon.com

Summary: AU from Crush. Buffy accidentally finds out Spike's in love with her. When things change, she's not sure what to do. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

Sorry it's been a while. But as compensation, it's a little longer than usual! Tell me what you think, I obsessed over this a bit.

Chapter 5 

            Two hours later, I'm still upset about Spike's comments about Riley. But I'm also upset that I'm upset. I mean, and I'm never saying this out loud, Spike was right. Riley left. Another guy left me. First my dad, then Angel. I'm three for three. I can see myself having abandonment issues in the future. But Spike was right in that I don't need to be defending him anymore. Particularly over his idiocy.

But I did_ care about him. Maybe I didn't love him like he loved me. But I cared and therefore, I still have the right to be upset. Spike's a big rude vampire with no tact. Apparently, the whole human characteristics thing doesn't change much of anything else._

Well, I do need to stop brooding over it though. It's not doing me much good sitting here on my bed and looking out the window. Especially when I can hear him in Dawn's room, having all sorts of fun on her Playstation.

Hmmph! It's such a kiddie thing anyway. Not like I wanna play it.

The noises stop coming from Dawn's room and I hear the door open. The sound of footsteps coming closer reaches my ears and I fumble around for something to do. Something that makes me look like I haven't been moping around for the past 2 hours. My door knob begins to twist before there is even a knock. The door opens wide and the jerk walks in.

"I could have been naked!" I say, mocking him.

"I know," he leers.

"You…You are a pig Spike." I sputter indignantly. All he does is shrug. His eyes roam around my room for a few moments and rest on me. His eyebrows rise a bit. "What?" I ask.

He nods at the book in my hands. "Moby Dick, uh? Didn't know you fancied the classics. You seem more the sort to read Sweet Valley High or some rubbish."

Please, as if. "Um, Spike? I'm 20, not 13. I don't even want to know how you know about the Sweet Valley twins." I just got a mental picture of Spike having a secret stash of the books hidden under his crypt and sneaking there every night to find out what Lila did to Jessica and Elizabeth. Now I'm showing my far too excessive knowledge of Sweet Valley. I swear they were all Dawn's.

"I know nothing about them," Spike says disdainfully and then pouts. "I'm hungry," he whines. "Feed me."

"Not your slave Spike. You can walk fine now. Do it yourself." I respond.

"But you're the host!"

"And you're annoying!"

Spike glares at me, his eyes glinting with mischief. "Fine," he says and makes a move towards the door. "If I _accidentally _set something on fire, I'll explain to your mum that you just couldn't be bothered."

I huff and get to my feet, piqued even more. I walk past him, my elbow _accidentally_ digging into his ribs. A muffled groan reaches my ears at the stairs and brings a smile to my face. At least Spike is still part vampire so I can still beat him up. Speaking of which… 

I wait until he comes into the kitchen to ask him, "What do you eat now anyway?"

That brings Spike up to a halt as he pauses to think the question over. He finally shrugs. "I don't know. I just have a rumbly tummy. It could still be blood. We'll need to find out." He looks at me expectantly.

"What?" I ask and close the fridge I had been searching.

"Well, get to cutting," he says and points to the knives. "I gotta see if I can digest the stuff."

My eyes widen. "You have got to be kidding. There's no way I'm giving you my blood." No way.

Spike saunters around the counter to me. "Why not?" He asks and leans into me. His breath is warm against my neck as he speaks. "Everyone else got a lick." He practically whispers the last word and a shiver runs down my spine. He breathes in my scent deeply and my eyes close of their own accord. I sigh, entertaining some inappropriately interesting thoughts now. How did it get so hot in here? His right hand is dangerously close to the side of my breasts as it slides up the refrigerator I'm leaned up against. _Oh this is a bad idea. How did we even get here? It's so fast…_My eyes fly open as I remember just how not fast this is for Spike. He's in love with me…

That gives me the strength to push him away from me and break the crazy spell he seemed to have me in. I turn away from his startled look and open the freezer to cool the heat on my face under the pretenses of searching for food. "No," I say, proud that my voice was not too shaky. "There's gotta be some blood back here for you."

I hear him sigh and tap lightly on the counter. He sighs again and finally says, "Okay fine. I'll help you look." He moves closer to me.

I panic and jump, as I say, "No! I'm fine! I don't want you…your help! I don't need your help." Oh God. Could this get any more embarrassing. First, I practically lead him on back there and now I'm talking about wanting him. Which I don't!

Ah, goal! I found a packet of blood. What's it doing here anyway? I raise an eyebrow at Spike as I hold up the packet. He shrugs, "I must have left it there once."

I shrug too, not wanting to get into a long discussion of what he was doing stashing his blood in my house. I toss him the packet and watch him preparing it. It's so gross. But like a train wreck, I can't help but watch it. He gets it into a mug (note to self: throw it away) and warms it up in the microwave. He must have done this here before because he knows the exact setting. I'm going to have to talk to mom and Dawn about their unnatural attachment to this vampire…

Spike takes the mug out of the microwave and lifts it to his lips. "Here goes nothing," he says and takes a swallow. He immediately gags and throws up into the sink. There's nothing else in his stomach so he ends up dry heaving for some time and then slinks to the floor placidly, his pale face looking ashen.

I scrunch up my nose and start to clean up the sink. "I guess that answers our question," I mutter. 

*     *     *

That was the worst feeling I've felt in quite some time. I've only thrown up once as a vampire and that was in Ireland when I ate this git one whose blood alcohol level must have been 50%. I still think I did society a favor by eating him but it didn't help me much. I threw up immediately and was woozy for the next day and a half.  Ah, that was a good year. No Angelus, no Darla, and Dru was sane a lot of the time.

Now I'm lying on the slayer's kitchen floor, staring at the designs of the ceiling. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Before I can even try, the slayer reaches down and picks me up. We skip over the part where I struggle and struggle to get up and go right into the part where I'm embarrassed as hell. "Stop helping me!" I say angrily and yank my arm out of her grasp. The blood vessel near my temple begins to throb.

She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. "I wouldn't have to help you if you weren't on the ground all the time!" she says, her foot tapping to the rhythm of an unheard drum.

I can't help a little smile that comes at the sight of her. Although I should be cautious—she looks angry enough to stake first, ask questions later—I can't help but notice how beautiful she looks when she's angry. Bright red spots appear on her cheeks and her eyes light up. Her chest heaves up and down with each breath. It's an exquisite sight to see. 

I can't enjoy the show though because I remember why she is mad. My headache has doubled in size. I begin to slowly pace around the kitchen. "Survey says no more blood, eh?" I ask.

"It must be that you're human and you need real food." Buffy answers.

            "Then why can I still vamp out? Wouldn't the demon still need to eat?" I ask, my headache getting worse.

            "I don't know," she says. "But that's what we're gonna try to figure out tonight. Okay? Don't stress yourself out too much?"

            "Stress? Who's stressed?" I ask, offended. The Big Bad doesn't stress out over anything. I'm as cool as a…Uh? "How cool is a cucumber?" I ask before I can stop myself.

            She gives me a strange look and I feel as retarded as she probably thinks I am. She points at my forehead. "You've got a little wrinkle thing there. And your temple keeps pounding. You're gonna give yourself a headache."

            _Ah, well, too late for that, I think as I lean against the counter. I lean forward until my forehead touches the cupboard in front of me. My stomach is still growling but I feel so nauseated and, combined with the headache, it doesn't leave me with much of an appetite._

            "You want some real food?" Buffy asks. "Maybe some soup and juice?"

            I shake my head. "No," I say. "I don't feel particularly hungry anymore."

            "You're not gonna go anorexic on me are you?"

            I give her a weak smile. "Don't worry. I saw For the Love of Nancy. I'm sure I'll be eating pretty soon. Just don't think my stomach could handle it now."

            She nods and I'm surprised to see her move towards me. She reaches a hand to feel my forehead. "You feel okay, which is more than I can say for how you look," she says. "Why don't you go lay down in the living room until you feel better."

Normally I'd yell at her for treating me like a baby but the hand still on my forehead is causing me to act strange. I just agree with her and let her lead me to the couch. Five minutes later, I'm laying on the couch with a remote control in my hand and a blanket tucked under my chin. What happened to the Big Bad? _Oh well, _I think and shrug as best as I can under the blanket, _there are worse things._ I'm in the slayer's home, getting some decent treatment for once. Getting all close to her…I can't believe I got that close to her. That she let me. I'd think more about it but my brain's slowly shutting itself off.

*     *     *

            After I tuck in a strangely passive Spike on the couch, I go down to the basement to finish his laundry and start on mine. I switch on the light and begin working quickly. I never liked basements. Bad things always happen in basements. And I don't even need the movies to tell me that, my life provides enough evidence.

            When I finish, I look in on Spike to make sure he's not destroying anything but he's fast asleep. I let out a sigh of relief. _No more aggravating vampire to babysit,_ I think. Now I can do whatever I want.

            A few hours later, I'm roused from my sleep by a door slamming down the hall. I think of what a fun, active life I have. Of all the things I could have done, I decided to take a shower and take a nap. I rub the sleep from my eyes as I get out of bed. I head over towards Dawn's room to figure out what the commotion is. My movement is cut short by Dawn bursting out of her room and into the bathroom. I check the time. Oh, school is over. I knock on the bathroom door.

            A muffled, "What?" comes out.

            "What are you doing?" I ask.

            A pause. "Nothing."

            Yeah, right. That sounds like nothing. "Dawn," I say, using my older sister tell-me-or-you-die voice.

            "Nothing!" She says again, her voice high-pitched. Hah! That definitely means something. I push the door open and look in. "Hey! Intrude much?" She asks indignantly.

            I blink once. Twice. I look at Dawn again to make sure I'm not hallucinating. "What are you doing with my makeup?" She can barely mumble the "nothing" this time and looks down. I lift her chin back up. Well, apparently it's the first time because she's no good at this. Her lips are too red, as are her cheeks, and she has way too much mascara on. I'd laugh but I don't think she's in quite the cheerful mood right now. But I can't stop a smile from reaching my face.

            Dawn jerks her chin out of my hand. "I'm just practicing." She mutters. She grabs a washcloth and starts scrubbing her face.

            "Good," I say. "But you should have asked first before taking my stuff." I take the washcloth from her and wipe the makeup off for her. "Why are you doing this now, anyway? Is there a boooooy?" I ask, teasing.

            "No!" She says, quickly. "No boy, no boy at all." But her cheeks are pink and I already got the blush off.

            "There's a boy! Who is it?"

            "No one!"

            "Will you bints bloody keep it down? I'm trying to watch Passions here!" Spike's voice bellows from the living room.

            I roll my eyes and turn to Dawn. If anything, her face is redder. My eyes widen as I recall what she said at the school about Spike coming over. "No Dawn," I say in an undertone, stricken. "You can't be serious."

            She looks uncomfortable and can't look me in the eye. "Serious about what?"

            "You have a crush on Spike!" I state, my voice raising.

            "Shhh! He's downstairs," Dawn says and closes the door. "And thanks a lot. I said 6 o'clock."

            "I'm sorry your imaginary little date didn't work out," I bite out sarcastically.

            She practically growls at that. "I knew you wouldn't understand!"

            "Wouldn't understand? Wouldn't understand what? Nothing's happening for me to understand. Or… He hasn't touched you, has he?"

            "No." She actually looks disappointed at this. I feel like tearing out my hair, I'm so frustrated. "Look, it's not a big deal," she says. "He doesn't even know I like him or anything. He just thinks of me as your kid sister."

            Well, thank goodness for small miracles. I still can't believe she has a crush on Spike. I can't believe my little sister doesn't have better taste. At least when _I _fell in love with a vampire, he had a soul. "He is _so_ not babysitting you anymore."

            "What? Why? That's like the only time I ever see him!"

"See him? Honestly, Dawn! He's like 9 times your age!"

"Yeah, but he only looks 2 times it."

I slapped a hand on my forehead and shake my head. I guess I can only blame myself. My relationship with Angel must have been a stellar example.

"It's really not a big deal Buffy. It's just a little crush. One of those things I'll laugh at when I grow up." She shrugs and picks at a towel. "I just think he's cool."

I sigh. I'm less upset now that I realize how one sided this thing is. Her first major crush and she picks someone much older and in love with someone else. Namely me. I hope it's just a crush or she's going to be in for some heartbreak. I pull her close to me and stroke her hair. I've been hurt in patrols and apocalypses a million times now. That pain is like a paper cut compared to when your heart is broken.

*     *     *


End file.
